Let me be honest with myself

So my sociology class is awesome! Not the teacher really but the material is good stuff. It's opened my eyes to the possibilities in my future. I intended on becoming a nurse to become a supporter or advocate for midwifery but the more I'm looking into the role sociologists play the more I'm realizing that what I want to do is more sociological. For instance I've just spent the last hour looking up medical journals about the effects of midwifery being removed from hospitals on western society. I'm SO intrigued by all the studies that have been done and are being done in this area of the medical field. I love the idea of studying the effects of hospitals influence on women in american society and the questions of "Is pregnancy pathology or just a risk of pathology? Should pregnant women be treated as patients during their labor or should they have more control?" etc etc. For me the instinctual aspect of birth really drives me to want to study it further and...

Wow seems like someone pressed the FFWD button. My life has been moving fast, and it doesn't seem to be slowing down. This realization just makes me want to spend as much time with my husband and daughter as I can. Well where do I start? My church (Anchor church) has moved to a new building and more opportunities to serve have come up which has been exciting! One of the things I'm doing is singing in the worship band, it's seriously nerve wrecking because everyone in the band is good at what they do and I've never been the confident type! I'm just anxious to see the Holy Spirit freely move during worship and other members feeling compelled to edify our little group of misfits hehe. Aaron and I we're able to get away for the weekend and it was much needed! We went to dickens on the strand and had a blast *pictures coming soon* we'll definitely be returning next year. The B & B that we stayed at had some really nice people staying there and of course the o...

So I'm watching the revival in AL live right now and nathan told everyone watching to pray over themselves if they need healing. So I put my hand on my wrist cuz for about four years my wrist becomes inflamed if I lift things too often due to a job lifting heavy things. Anyway it has been hurting ALL week normally it's just for a day but it's been bothering me to where I can't sleep sometimes. So I laid my hand on my wrist and began to feel the pain just LEAVE...even now that I'm writing this I'm laughing with joy. I heard the spirit say "You're healed"! Thank you Lord for healing me!!!! Jesus is awesome! : D P.S. it's called Bay of the Holy Spirit Revival, my mom went a couple of weeks ago and saw a mute/deaf woman healed...amazing!

community-b. Sharing, participation, and fellowship. I had no idea how much I needed this ^ until I experienced it. It's almost as if God designed man to feel incomplete without deep community between brothers in the church. It's been a tough run trying to find people that I really felt I could connect with. But I feel that I'm on the verge if not already beginning to experience community between women in my church. It's funny because we've been having ladies bible study and we've had TWO meetings and I already feel alive in my spirit! I'm not sure what else to say other than younger women NEED friendships with older women in the church. We have to be able to learn from each other and stop making excuses for not pursuing relationships. I hope the church as a whole can really invest itself in covenant relationships that are bound with unconditional love. If we don't do this we will suffer spiritually and emotionally. It's hard definitely, you have to ...

Cara Muhlhahn CNM on child labor and birth- "A woman really doesn't need to be rescued...It's not the place for the night in shining armor. Its the place for her to face her darkest moment and lay claim to her victory..." This statement has resonated with me for awhile now and the more I delve into this other world of "natural" birth the more I feel compelled to become apart of it. I am indebted to the amazing women that attended my birth, the nurses, the midwife, my sister and of course my husband who is not a woman haha. How can I describe to you what I felt the moment the midwife put my warm gooey baby in my arms? There is nothing like it. I went from experiencing the most intense feelings my body has ever felt (painful yes) to total heavenly joy and awe. The things I remember most about my birth experience were afterward...holding my warm baby, kissing her soft cheek, bathing with her in herbs, nursing her while we lay together as a family on the bed in ...

John 15:9-11 "Just as the Father has loved me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. If you keep my commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Fathers commandments, and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full." It's amazing how alive scripture really is. I often neglect reading my bible because I want to be able to focus on what I'm reading and meditate on scripture...excuses excuses. I've learned theres never going to be a perfect time to sit down so I may as well seize ever spare moment I have. Before I even open my bible I usually pray that God would give me scripture so I'm not randomly flipping through and He almost always does. He pointed me to John 15 and the last scripture jumped out at me "These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full." I often wonder why I'm not joyful. Why things don...

I felt lead to read Ecclesiastes 5:1-7 today and the whole passage spoke to me but this stood out the most "Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God. For God is in heaven and you are on the earth; therefore let your words be few." I find myself rambling when I pray "God I'm an idiot...please help me with this...help me with that...I'm sorry I suck at life" etc etc But I think God was telling me "shhh I already know what's going on so calm down" Why do we worry? Are we crazy enough to think that worrying will do us good and help our situation? Or do we just want to occupy our time with worrying instead of getting on our knees and painfully letting go and surrendering to Gods will? It's definitely hard to let up my death grip on a lot of things. But my efforts are futile so I must put my hope in the Lord...where else can I put it? In myself? gah no...bad idea. I keep asking God to soften my h...

I recently borrowed a book by Bob Mumford from my dad and was blown away.I couldn't believe how well Bob articulated what I had been feeling. Here's an excerpt I found interesting... "Is it possible that one of the greatest snares in coming into the real is religion? Yes, I think it is. For so long we have presented substance in the form of the concretes- brick and mortar...church buildings, duly constituted and denominationally oriented structures, rules and regulations...do this, don't do that. We run to these concrete substances, cling to them, try to build on them. Yet, reality most often eludes us. Somehow the deep cry in our spirits for reality and satisfaction cannot be met in the concrete. The concrete cannot love back; it does not respond. So we find what we thought was substance is only shadow. Where then is the real?" I ask this question to myself A LOT. What is real? Well I'm 100% sure God is real. Ok why is that important? What does God being re...

Is it possible that life and death occur outside of God's hand? I know as long as I'm breathing my questions about life and living will never cease. But to let my unanswered questions of life cripple me to the point of not loving and "living" would be a tragedy. It's this thought that keeps me going...searching...for God's loving hand and precious face. I hate that I'm not consistent. That I can't drop everything and go on a quest like buddha did. I don't believe I could abandon my responsibilities to pursue spiritual knowledge. No offense buddha. I was pondering the other day what "reality" is. Is it our consciousness? Our physical being and how it relates to the world around us? Or our spiritual man that will one day depart from this physical world into...eternity? People put so much into what they believe is reality, the physical. "You must make providing for yourself and sustaining yourself the number one priority." I'm ...

Yes it's another blog about my lack of sleep. Only this time I'm going to be realistic about the next time I get a full nights sleep. I realized today while brushing my teeth and putting on normal clothes (not pj's) that the random nights I get more than 3 hours of sleep I mustn't hold on to them thinking they will happen again soon but rather enjoy them while I have them. I google'd breastfeeding & sleep deprivation and was amazed to find millions of mom's around the world experiencing worse than my situation. Through reading these various websites I found out that babies into toddlerhood can still get up multiple times a night. So this lead me to accept my lot and stop looking into the distance for a full nights sleep, because I think if I keep dwelling on my lack of sleep I may lose my mind (I probably already have). My eye is still twitching & I am in a constant state of dizziness but if this persists I may experience hallucinations and black outs li...

So the more I think about it, the more I'm accepting being a woman. List of things that I like that are sooo girly -sewing -knitting -scrapbooking -makeup -shopping (depending on what for) -shoes -purses -kitchen ware (serving platters etc) -baking -making stuff like homemade b-day cards, DIY decorations, gift bakets and bags, & candy! ...wow. Could I be anymore feminine? lol. But it's okay this is something I'm no longer running away from but embracing. I can still be xtuffx and be girly right? Come to think of it theres one manly thing I don't think I'll ever like...BEER. blegh. Anyway, my friend is having a baby shower this weekend and I had so much fun making a baby sock rose bouquet! I would post pix but they can't see it cuz then they would know what colors we're using. I can't wait to cook and serve during the baby shower, thats one my favorite things to do! I feel like such a noob cuz I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to being c...

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit reap eternal life." Gal. 6:7-8 I pretty much feel like I get in a 6 month cycle in the my life. For about 3 months I do well...I try to read my bible, meditate on scripture, and I try to pray throughout the day. For those three months my life is great (I don't have such a crappy attitude). Then something happens and around month 4 I've successfully stopped reading my bible praying and talking about/to God. Not only does this effect my personal spiritual life but I'm not fun to be around! I tend to be more negative and irritable and generally hate the world. By month 6 I feel dry, distant, and miserable and I know it's all my fault due to my laziness. It's not that I don't have time to cultivate my spiritual life it's just that I'm not intentional w...

"We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer; and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren." 1 John 3:14-16 I read this scripture a couple of months ago and it really hit me hard. After being a reject and just plain awkward in junior high I decided that I didn't want friends and I didn't like people. Being anti-social was my security blanket, I didn't have to get out of my comfort zone and I definitely didn't care about what anyone else thought. This attitude carried on into adulthood and being part of "christian" subcultures that had no respect for others I felt no conviction about my bad attitude. It wasn't until I got married and had someone around 24/7 that my ugly selfish personality began to wor...

I have so much "mommy stuff" bouncing around in my head I don't know where to start. When I brought home my beautiful baby girl I was under the impression she would eat, sleep, and poop. Well she did eat...A LOT and often. And she definitely knocked out a good amount of diapers a day but the sleep part...not so much. She will be four months officially on monday and she still gets up at night every 2-4 hrs to eat and naps for 30min-1hr throughout the day. "Will I ever sleep through the night again?" is a question I ask myself once a week. She is growing so well and is pretty stinkin smart I have no cause for concern...other than my selfish desires. Right now I'm trying to figure out if I should start introducing food, there is so much information out there when it comes to parenting crap that I don't even know whats right! Instead of getting stressed out I think I'll go with the flow and wait on my baby to determine a lot of these steps. For now the o...

My eye has been twitching for about two weeks now and I'm hoping it's just due to my serious lack of sleep. Since I'm too tired to finish my chores I'm gonna relax and unwind by writing. I'm glad blogger isn't like LJ because I feel like I have the freedom to just write my thoughts without being concerned about getting as many comments as possible. Those were the days... LJ . Aaron actually saved a couple of entries because we both wrote about each other when we first met and it makes us nostalgic to go back and see how thrilled we were to have met. Though we've always been like "Iron sharpening iron" the glue that has kept us together has been God and our...well...love for each other. It's crazy to think that we've only been married 4 years and been together 5! I was just reflecting today on what my life would've been like with my "ex" and I don't know if I would've truly gotten what I needed out of that relationship...

Matt. 12:33-37 "Either make the tree good and its fruit good, or make the tree bad and its fruit bad; for the tree is known by its fruit, You brood of vipers, how can you, being evil, speak what is good? For the mouth speaks out of that which fills the heart. The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." Last night at church Aaron shared about this scripture and I must say it was pretty convicting. To think that the things that come out of my mouth are due to an abundance in my heart is scary. What thoughts have I been dwelling on that have created such resentment and anger to come pouring out onto whoever is listening? Talk about needing to repent! In addition to that I've been meditating on Eph. ...

So now that I have a 3.5 month old I do believe I'll pick up blogging again. I was reading Cody Vance's blog today and it really inspired me to right down what I'm going through presently. I like to write simply because I have to think about what I say before I publish it...and I really need to do that not just on the Internet but in real life! I'm currently sitting with Angel in my lap watching her flail her arms about and nibble on her hands. She amazes me every day we wake up together, I can't believe she's a real little person and she's MY responsibility. The meaning of life still eludes me even though I've had the privilege of bringing someone into this world. In fact I'm a bit more lost on the purpose of life watching it unfold from the beginning stages. For those of you who knew me in high school I was into the goth thing, I still am, just not so obvious about it : p. I once read a goth say that Ecclesiastes is the emo /goth book of the bibl...