Let me be honest with myself

Wow it's been awhile! My mind and spirit needed a break from processing and just needed to live. Experiences are so powerful and I find that I am constantly being changed by them simply by living life. I am no long afraid of things I don't understand. I just want to accept and evaluate accordingly. My family life right now is the fire under my bum, pushing me to digger deeper, always asking myself "Why the hell do you think the way you do?". More and more I am realizing how deeply responsible I am for myself. For my thoughts, actions, and attitudes. This has been a grueling process and very humbling (or humiliating?). I have to say during this time of digging deep I have found that I take for granted the things I speak aloud. Why is it so easy for me to complain and be negative? Maybe it's hereditary or maybe I have allowed myself to be this way. Either way, the older I grow the more I want to shake off the yoke of my selfish point of view. And really all of this...

“Blessed are   the poor in spirit, for   theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are  those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matt. 5:3-4 The past month has been rough for our house. My husband has gone between nurse and patient, my daughter was sick for almost 3 weeks with two different bouts of sickness. And I've been taking care of Angel and took my turn with a virus and found out we had conceived during that time. I was very excited but my fever kept me from enjoying the pregnancy. After about four days of fever and cold symptoms I started spotting and immediately asked trusted friends/family what to do. Come to find out that all of my symptoms (spotting, back cramps) we're signs that I was having a miscarriage. It was upsetting but it didn't really sink in at first. We had been trying for about five months and I was so excited to confirm with my doctor. I knew miscarriage was a possibility but of course I had no idea what to look for so I felt caug...

So after discovering being pregnant, my world began to rapidly change. I unknowingly began to "prepare" myself to live in the most sacrificial way I had ever experienced. Everyone experiences becoming a mother differently, some women at the first sight of their child cry, some laugh, some feel at peace, and some don't feel very much at all. I happened to be one who laughed, I laughed while in a state of shock when my baby was born! I really didn't expect a baby to come out of me I just thought my pain would eventually subside but my brain in no way understood that a human being would enter into this world and depend on me to take care of it. My transition into motherhood was my inner realization that >I AM A WOMAN<. Why? Because I realized that my being a woman resulted in me doing things my husband couldn't! I didn't feel like just anyone in the world, not a child, not a man, not even a young lady...I felt like a being that was given the responsibility ...

The second half is definitely the more profound and longer so please bear with me while I attempt to unpack this. At 18 years old I was wed to a ministers son. Much like myself he listened to different music, talked differently, and had a old school view of who God is. He related to me in a deeper way than any guy I had ever met. Our biblical views were shared but that made things difficult for me as a woman. We both held complimentarian views of christian marriage and I believed that my identity and purpose should lie in my husband...because that's what the bible says right? Now mind you a lot of these assumptions were subconscious (as with any marriage). So as my first year of marriage unfolded any concern of being a godly woman morphed into every concern to be a "good" godly wife...whatever that means. I guess I took this scripture for granted  " But I want you to be free from concern. One who is  unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may...

This is a collection of memories that seemed to define my experiences being a girl, young lady, and woman. I'm going to start in the beginning and hopefully trace how and why I ended up where I am today. I am the baby in my family and my closest sibling in age is 10 years older than me. So I had the privilege of having two sets of parents only the younger set was way more cruel than the other haha. My brother took me under his wing from the beginning and so I had to be tough (which I wasn't) and honestly I wanted to be a good little brother for my big brother. I loved playing outside and hated wearing dresses. I had a hard time fitting in because I was quiet and yet rough compared to the other white girls I went to school with. I was able to make an occasional friend but they were mostly weird misfits and tomboys like myself. I really didn't want to be a girl, little boys seemed to have more fun. The older I got the more awkward I was for being a tomboy.  Puberty was a ...

Unschooling-  a home-school education with the child taking the primary responsibility instead of a parent or teacher; also called child-directed learning, self-learning Example: Under unschooling education, parents may act as "facilitators" and may provide a wide-range of resources to their children.  Since discovering the unschooling philosophy and having the privilege of meeting parents who have unschooled for years I've realized something. Unschooling is not simply an academic philosophy,but a way of life for many people. And many of these people who live it do it unintentionally and without the label.  My unschooling journey actually started when I became pregnant with my daughter and watched "The business of being born" for the first time. I had no idea that so much information about birth was not readily available in mainstream society. The more research I did the more I realized that knowledge is powerful and can determine your future! Not to m...

Saw an interesting quote from For Today's singer "Some men act like boys; they are irresponsible and apathetic. Some men act like women; they are emotionally driven crowd followers." ...I find it divisive and inconsiderate to tear down someone based on gender just to get a point across...especially because Mattie's goal was to admonish godly men to step up. One thing that jumps out to me is that a boy will grow up and become a man...but a woman is a woman for the rest of her life. Does this mean women are uncontrollably emotional and more unstable than a "boy"? This flippant disregard for christian sisters that listen to for today and follow mattie's facebook is an attitude that is becoming highly encouraged in modern churches. I won't begin to list the "Be a man" conferences and books that are coming out but I keep asking myself...what are these "men" doing to encourage and lift up their wives/daughters/sisters in the Lord? Are ...