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Hollow

The hollow nagging feeling that’s been in the pit of my stomach for the past few years is finally surfacing. I guess it’s a good thing because suppressing that reality has taken so much energy. I feel exhausted all the time and physically weak. I feel like I’m coming out of a fog and looking at the state of things. I haven’t exercised in two months, my eating is up and down, my fluid intake is minimal. From moment to moment my mind seems to be racing in the background. There’s many reasons why but I just don’t feel safe like I can let my guard down yet…not for awhile. I’m functioning, kind of on auto pilot. I work and go home and attempt to fill my spare time with distractions. The grief is overwhelming when I allow it in. There was no easy solution to the mounting problems in our lives. This doesn’t even feel like a solution…just a consequence of dysfunction and neglect. This transition is hard. But I think of what could’ve been. And I feel grateful for life. I feel grateful my kids have their needs met. Right now that is what’s getting me through each day….each moment. That and the vessels that help guide me along the way. These people will never fully know how much they mean to me. <3 o:p="">

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