This is a collection of memories that seemed to define my experiences being a girl, young lady, and woman. I'm going to start in the beginning and hopefully trace how and why I ended up where I am today.
I am the baby in my family and my closest sibling in age is 10 years older than me. So I had the privilege of having two sets of parents only the younger set was way more cruel than the other haha. My brother took me under his wing from the beginning and so I had to be tough (which I wasn't) and honestly I wanted to be a good little brother for my big brother. I loved playing outside and hated wearing dresses. I had a hard time fitting in because I was quiet and yet rough compared to the other white girls I went to school with. I was able to make an occasional friend but they were mostly weird misfits and tomboys like myself. I really didn't want to be a girl, little boys seemed to have more fun. The older I got the more awkward I was for being a tomboy. Puberty was a tough transition because I still wanted to be a good little brother yet my peers expected me to like make up and talk about crushes. I went along with it because sure I found a boy here and there kind of cute but I felt so masculine compared to my friends, I hated girly clothes and found myself being called "sir" at restaurants. My only friendships were based on boy crazy stories and boy bands because no one else wanted to talk about their love for animals or the great outdoors. My brother and I seemed to drift apart because I had to become a little sister now, I needed to act like a girl. Fortunately my big sister stepped in and enjoyed helping me pick out the proper clothes and taught me to apply make up. Deep down there was the tomboy still crying to be let out. One christmas in junior high the tomboy inside was given an outlet...it was called christian rock. I fell in love with harder christian music and eventually found myself listening to punk rock and desperately wanting a mohawk. My dad however knew he would be judged for allowing his daughter such a masculine rebellious haircut so he denied me. I still managed to wear clothing that was off the wall and punk rockish. I had found my niche as a growing tomboy. I seemed to attract skaters, punks, and misfits with my music and dress so I went along with it because who wants to spend junior high and high school alone? Through this alternative expression I found my feminine side through experimenting wearing long black goth skirts and rockabilly dresses. For the first time in my life it felt right to wear these girlish outfits and I felt comfortable in my skin. My love for male dominated music (metal, punk, ska,hardcore) however eventually caused me to be uncomfortable being a girl. I would go to shows and be overwhelmed by boys moshing roughly to the music. I wanted to be tough and hold my own weight in the pit. At first I hated mosh pits because sweaty boys were being jerks throwing their arms around and hurting anyone around. But then a different type of moshing emerged and I found myself wanting to learn every move. Hardcore dancing was full force at the shows I went to in my late teens and I learned moves from whomever I could.
Just watching people dance and then going home to practice to norma jean was so much fun. I learned to two step, windmill, floor punch, and other moves I never learned the names of. I felt that hardcore dancing placed me on the same level as boys, and for some reason I wanted to be the same...I didn't like being seen as fragile or unwelcome simply because of my boobs. Really that was my main struggle being a young woman...I was top heavy like no other and couldn't hide it. I was ashamed because guys would stare and look at me like a piece of meat. I didn't want to be a piece of meat damn it. I wanted to be a hardcore kid and I wanted to FSU. It was hard being a christian during this time because my being a woman was undeniable and my place was teaching kids (which I didn't like) or singing on the worship team (which I tried but was told my clothes were inappropriate/scary). I was welcome to the pulpit to share prophetic words because of my dad but there was some angst in me that had to be expressed and the best place for me was hardcore shows. The pit weirdly enough was where I had my spiritual experiences. I could essentially worship (to christian hardcore) and actually work up a sweat. The music was in my soul and the lyrics that spoke of no compromise and straight edge lit me on fire. I met people in this scene that I would've never met in church. I met other girls that were passionate, tough, and beautiful. People that loved Jesus but felt more inclined to go to shows than go to church. It was an interesting transition to young adulthood and just a stop in my journey to feminism.
I always loved the Lord but I struggled with finding my calling. I knew the bible said "I suffer not a woman to teach." Yet I also knew that my dad had encouraged me to lead bible studies in my school. It was all very confusing and being a young adult I drifted from placing my identity in church and more in the music that ignited my passion. I emerged from being an awkward girl to an "exotic" latina (seriously someone said I looked exotic with my skin color and features). So being a tease to hardcore tough guys made being a girl fun. I was modest on the outside yet I was at the age that dating was the thing to do. I even believed in courtship but all my friends were boys and they were so fun to hang out with. I was caught up in friendships that my guys friends hoped would end up in dating, but I had more fun not committing. I even had an internet boyfriend but still entertained thoughts of dating others. All the while my mom thought I should actually date boys and didn't really encourage me to become an independent godly woman. The gender role that I was supposed to assume seemed to haunt me no matter what stages I went through in my life. To be continued..........
I am the baby in my family and my closest sibling in age is 10 years older than me. So I had the privilege of having two sets of parents only the younger set was way more cruel than the other haha. My brother took me under his wing from the beginning and so I had to be tough (which I wasn't) and honestly I wanted to be a good little brother for my big brother. I loved playing outside and hated wearing dresses. I had a hard time fitting in because I was quiet and yet rough compared to the other white girls I went to school with. I was able to make an occasional friend but they were mostly weird misfits and tomboys like myself. I really didn't want to be a girl, little boys seemed to have more fun. The older I got the more awkward I was for being a tomboy. Puberty was a tough transition because I still wanted to be a good little brother yet my peers expected me to like make up and talk about crushes. I went along with it because sure I found a boy here and there kind of cute but I felt so masculine compared to my friends, I hated girly clothes and found myself being called "sir" at restaurants. My only friendships were based on boy crazy stories and boy bands because no one else wanted to talk about their love for animals or the great outdoors. My brother and I seemed to drift apart because I had to become a little sister now, I needed to act like a girl. Fortunately my big sister stepped in and enjoyed helping me pick out the proper clothes and taught me to apply make up. Deep down there was the tomboy still crying to be let out. One christmas in junior high the tomboy inside was given an outlet...it was called christian rock. I fell in love with harder christian music and eventually found myself listening to punk rock and desperately wanting a mohawk. My dad however knew he would be judged for allowing his daughter such a masculine rebellious haircut so he denied me. I still managed to wear clothing that was off the wall and punk rockish. I had found my niche as a growing tomboy. I seemed to attract skaters, punks, and misfits with my music and dress so I went along with it because who wants to spend junior high and high school alone? Through this alternative expression I found my feminine side through experimenting wearing long black goth skirts and rockabilly dresses. For the first time in my life it felt right to wear these girlish outfits and I felt comfortable in my skin. My love for male dominated music (metal, punk, ska,hardcore) however eventually caused me to be uncomfortable being a girl. I would go to shows and be overwhelmed by boys moshing roughly to the music. I wanted to be tough and hold my own weight in the pit. At first I hated mosh pits because sweaty boys were being jerks throwing their arms around and hurting anyone around. But then a different type of moshing emerged and I found myself wanting to learn every move. Hardcore dancing was full force at the shows I went to in my late teens and I learned moves from whomever I could.
Just watching people dance and then going home to practice to norma jean was so much fun. I learned to two step, windmill, floor punch, and other moves I never learned the names of. I felt that hardcore dancing placed me on the same level as boys, and for some reason I wanted to be the same...I didn't like being seen as fragile or unwelcome simply because of my boobs. Really that was my main struggle being a young woman...I was top heavy like no other and couldn't hide it. I was ashamed because guys would stare and look at me like a piece of meat. I didn't want to be a piece of meat damn it. I wanted to be a hardcore kid and I wanted to FSU. It was hard being a christian during this time because my being a woman was undeniable and my place was teaching kids (which I didn't like) or singing on the worship team (which I tried but was told my clothes were inappropriate/scary). I was welcome to the pulpit to share prophetic words because of my dad but there was some angst in me that had to be expressed and the best place for me was hardcore shows. The pit weirdly enough was where I had my spiritual experiences. I could essentially worship (to christian hardcore) and actually work up a sweat. The music was in my soul and the lyrics that spoke of no compromise and straight edge lit me on fire. I met people in this scene that I would've never met in church. I met other girls that were passionate, tough, and beautiful. People that loved Jesus but felt more inclined to go to shows than go to church. It was an interesting transition to young adulthood and just a stop in my journey to feminism.
I always loved the Lord but I struggled with finding my calling. I knew the bible said "I suffer not a woman to teach." Yet I also knew that my dad had encouraged me to lead bible studies in my school. It was all very confusing and being a young adult I drifted from placing my identity in church and more in the music that ignited my passion. I emerged from being an awkward girl to an "exotic" latina (seriously someone said I looked exotic with my skin color and features). So being a tease to hardcore tough guys made being a girl fun. I was modest on the outside yet I was at the age that dating was the thing to do. I even believed in courtship but all my friends were boys and they were so fun to hang out with. I was caught up in friendships that my guys friends hoped would end up in dating, but I had more fun not committing. I even had an internet boyfriend but still entertained thoughts of dating others. All the while my mom thought I should actually date boys and didn't really encourage me to become an independent godly woman. The gender role that I was supposed to assume seemed to haunt me no matter what stages I went through in my life. To be continued..........
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