The second half is definitely the more profound and longer so please bear with me while I attempt to unpack this.
At 18 years old I was wed to a ministers son. Much like myself he listened to different music, talked differently, and had a old school view of who God is. He related to me in a deeper way than any guy I had ever met. Our biblical views were shared but that made things difficult for me as a woman. We both held complimentarian views of christian marriage and I believed that my identity and purpose should lie in my husband...because that's what the bible says right? Now mind you a lot of these assumptions were subconscious (as with any marriage). So as my first year of marriage unfolded any concern of being a godly woman morphed into every concern to be a "good" godly wife...whatever that means. I guess I took this scripture for granted
"But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; 33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 35 This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but [r]to promote what is appropriate and to secure unobstructed devotion to the Lord." 1 cor. 7:32-35
Due to my tendency to take things to the extreme I struggled alongside my husband trying to be myself and trying to please him. It doesn't work very well when you're opinionated, stubborn, and Mexican. I often times beat myself up and wondered why I was so horrible at life. My husband had his own demons to deal with and found himself having to get his house in "order" and be the "head" of the house. This was the perfect recipe for strife and power struggle. I had no idea being a christian wife was going to put me in a place of maid, cheerleader, and second class citizen. All of the things were so contrary to what my dad had taught me, but I wasn't living under my dad's "covering" so I needed to figure out how to submit myself to Aaron "as unto the Lord". My husband and I continued over the years struggling to understand what being a godly husband and wife meant. The roles we thought we needed to assume felt mutually oppressive, uncomfortable, and sometimes abusive. We both failed regularly and the pressure eventually rendered us hopeless. Issues with finances, emotional baggage, and other crap that surfaced pushed me further and further from the proverbs 31 woman I thought I needed to be.
But then a curve ball from left field was thrown at me.
The one month my husband and I did our duty to ensure we didn't procreate before we were financially stable...I was late.It's funny but for a long time I didn't want to get married...and for even longer I didn't want to have kids. Well I got married in a rush and now boom! I am a preggo and I was completely blind sided by it! After that little piss test a domino effect began and I had NO idea how drastically my very soul would change. This is where sexuality and womanhood truly merge for a woman and it did for me. It's one thing when you feel like a sexual object because that's what society tells you. But it truly is something else when you take your sexuality to the end result and realize "Wow sex isn't just about gratification it's about life and love". Sexuality was something I always misunderstood as well because I was told my virginity was valuable and it almost seemed that if something happened and I "lost" my virginity I wouldn't be worth a whole lot anymore. But I noticed that men were not told this in the church...and of course not outside of it either. Virginity for men was optional and if you made it GREAT! If not well you're a guy...nobody expects you to actually save yourself for your future spouse. It's amazing what we are unintentionally taught growing up.
To be continued....
At 18 years old I was wed to a ministers son. Much like myself he listened to different music, talked differently, and had a old school view of who God is. He related to me in a deeper way than any guy I had ever met. Our biblical views were shared but that made things difficult for me as a woman. We both held complimentarian views of christian marriage and I believed that my identity and purpose should lie in my husband...because that's what the bible says right? Now mind you a lot of these assumptions were subconscious (as with any marriage). So as my first year of marriage unfolded any concern of being a godly woman morphed into every concern to be a "good" godly wife...whatever that means. I guess I took this scripture for granted
"But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; 33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 35 This I say for your own benefit; not to put a restraint upon you, but [r]to promote what is appropriate and to secure unobstructed devotion to the Lord." 1 cor. 7:32-35
Due to my tendency to take things to the extreme I struggled alongside my husband trying to be myself and trying to please him. It doesn't work very well when you're opinionated, stubborn, and Mexican. I often times beat myself up and wondered why I was so horrible at life. My husband had his own demons to deal with and found himself having to get his house in "order" and be the "head" of the house. This was the perfect recipe for strife and power struggle. I had no idea being a christian wife was going to put me in a place of maid, cheerleader, and second class citizen. All of the things were so contrary to what my dad had taught me, but I wasn't living under my dad's "covering" so I needed to figure out how to submit myself to Aaron "as unto the Lord". My husband and I continued over the years struggling to understand what being a godly husband and wife meant. The roles we thought we needed to assume felt mutually oppressive, uncomfortable, and sometimes abusive. We both failed regularly and the pressure eventually rendered us hopeless. Issues with finances, emotional baggage, and other crap that surfaced pushed me further and further from the proverbs 31 woman I thought I needed to be.
But then a curve ball from left field was thrown at me.
The one month my husband and I did our duty to ensure we didn't procreate before we were financially stable...I was late.It's funny but for a long time I didn't want to get married...and for even longer I didn't want to have kids. Well I got married in a rush and now boom! I am a preggo and I was completely blind sided by it! After that little piss test a domino effect began and I had NO idea how drastically my very soul would change. This is where sexuality and womanhood truly merge for a woman and it did for me. It's one thing when you feel like a sexual object because that's what society tells you. But it truly is something else when you take your sexuality to the end result and realize "Wow sex isn't just about gratification it's about life and love". Sexuality was something I always misunderstood as well because I was told my virginity was valuable and it almost seemed that if something happened and I "lost" my virginity I wouldn't be worth a whole lot anymore. But I noticed that men were not told this in the church...and of course not outside of it either. Virginity for men was optional and if you made it GREAT! If not well you're a guy...nobody expects you to actually save yourself for your future spouse. It's amazing what we are unintentionally taught growing up.
To be continued....
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