Let me be honest with myself

Source Source of light Source of good Source of the unknown Your mystery overwhelms me You are an infinite ocean of which I cannot fathom the depth Why have you enabled my self-awareness? How can this be? I do not understand Yet My spirit acknowledges your Spirit You are a gift to me and a burden You are a love and a confusion You explain nothing You are above the questions and reasons You simply are the Source

I woke up this morning in the mood to go to church. This feeling has been creeping up on me lately since I've been on sabbatical for close to two years now. For approximately 25 years of my life I spent Sundays in church, which is why I think the habit will never die. It's ingrained in my body's biological clock that upon the strike of 9am Sunday morning I should stress out, get dressed half-way decent, get anxious at the idea of seeing lots of people, hurry through said crowd of people to find a back seat and settle in while someone else does all the service work. Church service, ahh there's nothing like it. Yesterday I attended an event that hosted Nadia Bolz Weber (Lutheran minister). I'm still reeling over her profound and blunt words. She touched on so many subjects and when I put all of it together I realize that each statement that had me nodding my head was just another nail in my church coffin. I realized after this season that God has taken me through I ...

So I've been working the night shift for the past few weeks. I have always loved night time. It's peace and quiet often gives me time to decompress from the day. A lot of things have been going on with friends and family of mine that of course end up emotionally affecting me. Now I realize as I'm writing this that it seems  so unnecessary to take on the stress of other people's problems. But it's unavoidable. You can't truly love someone and not care about decisions that they make. But I am processing the idea that I don't need to bring myself to a place of stress over others decisions. I'm learning to respect individuals and realize they have a prerogative to make their own decisions and in turn handle the consequences. I feel the pull to instead of judge or say "I told you so" I am meant to offer a listening ear, validate others while at the same time keep the peace and also encourage peace. Life is so fucking fleeting. Relationships see...

Can I just say that being a parent pushes your buttons in ways that no other experience can? I have a pretty great husband. Though we both have our issues thankfully he doesn't have ALL the same issues I do. He is a really great dad and I am currently learning how to be a good parent by observing him (/arguing with him). It's amazing to see how someone can naturally pour out patience and create an environment of clarity. You see being impatient, reactionary, and emotional is like breathing to me. There's so many times I flip a lid and my husband looks at me like I'm a psycho and I say "Wha? What's wrong?". I'm so used to carrying myself in an unregulated manner that it doesn't enter into my mind to reconsider my actions until my life mate verbally reflects back to me his perception of said actions. At that point I realize...wow I am a bit cracked. And then I have to tell myself to just calm the eff down and pick my battles. Which is so difficult w...

Wow it's been awhile! My mind and spirit needed a break from processing and just needed to live. Experiences are so powerful and I find that I am constantly being changed by them simply by living life. I am no long afraid of things I don't understand. I just want to accept and evaluate accordingly. My family life right now is the fire under my bum, pushing me to digger deeper, always asking myself "Why the hell do you think the way you do?". More and more I am realizing how deeply responsible I am for myself. For my thoughts, actions, and attitudes. This has been a grueling process and very humbling (or humiliating?). I have to say during this time of digging deep I have found that I take for granted the things I speak aloud. Why is it so easy for me to complain and be negative? Maybe it's hereditary or maybe I have allowed myself to be this way. Either way, the older I grow the more I want to shake off the yoke of my selfish point of view. And really all of this...

“Blessed are   the poor in spirit, for   theirs is the kingdom of heaven. “Blessed are  those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." -Matt. 5:3-4 The past month has been rough for our house. My husband has gone between nurse and patient, my daughter was sick for almost 3 weeks with two different bouts of sickness. And I've been taking care of Angel and took my turn with a virus and found out we had conceived during that time. I was very excited but my fever kept me from enjoying the pregnancy. After about four days of fever and cold symptoms I started spotting and immediately asked trusted friends/family what to do. Come to find out that all of my symptoms (spotting, back cramps) we're signs that I was having a miscarriage. It was upsetting but it didn't really sink in at first. We had been trying for about five months and I was so excited to confirm with my doctor. I knew miscarriage was a possibility but of course I had no idea what to look for so I felt caug...

So after discovering being pregnant, my world began to rapidly change. I unknowingly began to "prepare" myself to live in the most sacrificial way I had ever experienced. Everyone experiences becoming a mother differently, some women at the first sight of their child cry, some laugh, some feel at peace, and some don't feel very much at all. I happened to be one who laughed, I laughed while in a state of shock when my baby was born! I really didn't expect a baby to come out of me I just thought my pain would eventually subside but my brain in no way understood that a human being would enter into this world and depend on me to take care of it. My transition into motherhood was my inner realization that >I AM A WOMAN<. Why? Because I realized that my being a woman resulted in me doing things my husband couldn't! I didn't feel like just anyone in the world, not a child, not a man, not even a young lady...I felt like a being that was given the responsibility ...