Let me be honest with myself

When I was a child we had a decent sized field in my neighborhood. My dad would drive his truck at night, park in the field, and we would get in the back and look up at the stars. Back then we didn't have as many 24 hr. stores so you could really see a good amount. I would lie back and count how many shooting stars I could see. For some reason after awhile the expanse of the sky would overwhelm me. I would get this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I felt the need to hold onto something. I feared that I could float off the surface of the earth at any moment like an astronaut untethered in space, free floating into eternity. It was such a strange anxious feeling. As I look at the expanse of my future it feels a lot like looking into eternity. It is uncertain and unknown. The freedom of it all scares me. A part of me needs to be restrained by fear or anxiety because at least it's something to hold onto...a safety harness. Maybe if I check and survey all known possibil...

Do you ever have a reoccurring feeling that you're missing something? Many times I sense myself feeling this way. Nowadays when I have down time I find myself exploring thoughts and feelings that were formally "off limits". I now realize that the things I was taught growing up were coming from people trying to spare me the pain of making damaging life decisions. But the issue with a one sided "don't do this because it's bad" lesson is that there is no room for the individual to fully understand things for themselves. That's part of growing up. A child may be told many great lessons but the reality is they may take it for granted. I was told at a young age my sexuality is Gods (my future husband had dibs after god). This unintentionally primed me to improperly care for my sexuality. So much of it was hidden away or neglected because it was seen as "sinful" to engage that part of myself. Something as simple as finding someone attractive w...

That culmination of moments When everything joins together In a solar eclipse There used to be light But it was an illusion Space is vast And ever expanding it's darkness I occupy this dark space I find the small amounts of starlight that twinkle in the distance Give me hope Maybe I will return to my home Maybe I will keep going Searching for the truth My truth

Turning my eyes from religion I have turned inward. I no longer spend hours praying to The Spirit. I am in a season of inward inventory. I've begun to take account of feelings buried in my spirit since childhood. Realizing I have stored excess in my mind and heart. But I don't have to hold on to these unwanted feelings. I am acknowledging and releasing slowly the things that have oppressed me. I have oppressed myself for so long. But the beckoning of acceptance calls. On the other side of this journey I know my humanity will overwhelm me with empathy for my fellow humans struggling through this existence. Inward and outward strife no longer serve me on this journey. I will see I will hear I will know I will feel and I will allow it all to run it's course. Resistance does not prove useful in this season.

I think nighttime puts my brain in a state of reflection. It's the ideal time for me to break things down and process my thoughts. The problem with processing things alone at night is that I often find myself feeling very isolated. Like I truly have no one I can fully be honest with. I have a tendency to withhold parts of myself when I deal with certain people. I guess it's self-preservation. I don't want to be vulnerable so it's easy to just hide aspects of me with certain people and expose other aspects with other people. But it feels very inconsistent. Why do I find it so difficult to just BE? Lately I've been mulling over parts of myself that I have locked away for a long time. The parts of me that doubt my faith in God, parts of me that are different than societal norms, it's like I've tried to be so many different things throughout my life only to obtain a fleeting sense of belonging. It's never lasted. And so I find myself a grown adult with a f...

One life. So many opportunities to experience something new. Something unique. For the first time in my life my inner thoughts and feelings don't scare me. I've begun to pull back the curtain and the light has shone. In this light I can speak of my desires and curiosities. I was made to be afraid of myself and what I'm capable of. But the lies have fallen to the wayside one by one. Our trajectory has changed. For better or for worse we cannot go back. All that awaits is life. Life without fear of self.

When did my anger begin? Was there ever a time of contentment in this life? My soul can go back I do remember Simple things used to bring joy Popsicles Bike rides Playing tag with friends But growing pains came The love and security at home remained though it wavered It remained I didn't know then the internal turmoil of those around me The decisions that were made at the expense of others How could you The anger and confusion clouds the memories of the past What was real? I try to ground myself but the knot in my stomach interrupts my futile attempts Time I ask you please do your work Bring healing Ease my anger Teach me forgiveness Show me there is a better way