When I was a child we had a decent sized field in my neighborhood. My dad would drive his truck at night, park in the field, and we would get in the back and look up at the stars. Back then we didn't have as many 24 hr. stores so you could really see a good amount. I would lie back and count how many shooting stars I could see. For some reason after awhile the expanse of the sky would overwhelm me. I would get this uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach and I felt the need to hold onto something. I feared that I could float off the surface of the earth at any moment like an astronaut untethered in space, free floating into eternity. It was such a strange anxious feeling.
As I look at the expanse of my future it feels a lot like looking into eternity. It is uncertain and unknown. The freedom of it all scares me. A part of me needs to be restrained by fear or anxiety because at least it's something to hold onto...a safety harness. Maybe if I check and survey all known possibilities I can estimate what will actually occur. But if I let go and accept eternity with it's endless possibilities it is overwhelming.
The truth is there are no guarantees in life.
Right now I'm preparing my mind to undergo birth. The fact that I have undergone perinatal bereavement training is proving to be a tether holding me down. I've been exposed to so many stories, some of them including loss others including trauma. Birth is unique every time. The possibilities are always endless. You can choose to accept this and free yourself of the tethers that hold you back. Freedom is not always a freeing experience. Sometimes it can be a process. Baby steps.
I am to the point that I simply want to dig down into myself to find a piece of me that isn't afraid to accept that the restraints are an illusion. The future will come in it's time. But the present is mine to handle like sand pouring through my fingers. It's okay not knowing. This is what it is to be human.
As I look at the expanse of my future it feels a lot like looking into eternity. It is uncertain and unknown. The freedom of it all scares me. A part of me needs to be restrained by fear or anxiety because at least it's something to hold onto...a safety harness. Maybe if I check and survey all known possibilities I can estimate what will actually occur. But if I let go and accept eternity with it's endless possibilities it is overwhelming.
The truth is there are no guarantees in life.
Right now I'm preparing my mind to undergo birth. The fact that I have undergone perinatal bereavement training is proving to be a tether holding me down. I've been exposed to so many stories, some of them including loss others including trauma. Birth is unique every time. The possibilities are always endless. You can choose to accept this and free yourself of the tethers that hold you back. Freedom is not always a freeing experience. Sometimes it can be a process. Baby steps.
I am to the point that I simply want to dig down into myself to find a piece of me that isn't afraid to accept that the restraints are an illusion. The future will come in it's time. But the present is mine to handle like sand pouring through my fingers. It's okay not knowing. This is what it is to be human.
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