Let me be honest with myself

That culmination of moments When everything joins together In a solar eclipse There used to be light But it was an illusion Space is vast And ever expanding it's darkness I occupy this dark space I find the small amounts of starlight that twinkle in the distance Give me hope Maybe I will return to my home Maybe I will keep going Searching for the truth My truth

Turning my eyes from religion I have turned inward. I no longer spend hours praying to The Spirit. I am in a season of inward inventory. I've begun to take account of feelings buried in my spirit since childhood. Realizing I have stored excess in my mind and heart. But I don't have to hold on to these unwanted feelings. I am acknowledging and releasing slowly the things that have oppressed me. I have oppressed myself for so long. But the beckoning of acceptance calls. On the other side of this journey I know my humanity will overwhelm me with empathy for my fellow humans struggling through this existence. Inward and outward strife no longer serve me on this journey. I will see I will hear I will know I will feel and I will allow it all to run it's course. Resistance does not prove useful in this season.

I think nighttime puts my brain in a state of reflection. It's the ideal time for me to break things down and process my thoughts. The problem with processing things alone at night is that I often find myself feeling very isolated. Like I truly have no one I can fully be honest with. I have a tendency to withhold parts of myself when I deal with certain people. I guess it's self-preservation. I don't want to be vulnerable so it's easy to just hide aspects of me with certain people and expose other aspects with other people. But it feels very inconsistent. Why do I find it so difficult to just BE? Lately I've been mulling over parts of myself that I have locked away for a long time. The parts of me that doubt my faith in God, parts of me that are different than societal norms, it's like I've tried to be so many different things throughout my life only to obtain a fleeting sense of belonging. It's never lasted. And so I find myself a grown adult with a f...

One life. So many opportunities to experience something new. Something unique. For the first time in my life my inner thoughts and feelings don't scare me. I've begun to pull back the curtain and the light has shone. In this light I can speak of my desires and curiosities. I was made to be afraid of myself and what I'm capable of. But the lies have fallen to the wayside one by one. Our trajectory has changed. For better or for worse we cannot go back. All that awaits is life. Life without fear of self.

When did my anger begin? Was there ever a time of contentment in this life? My soul can go back I do remember Simple things used to bring joy Popsicles Bike rides Playing tag with friends But growing pains came The love and security at home remained though it wavered It remained I didn't know then the internal turmoil of those around me The decisions that were made at the expense of others How could you The anger and confusion clouds the memories of the past What was real? I try to ground myself but the knot in my stomach interrupts my futile attempts Time I ask you please do your work Bring healing Ease my anger Teach me forgiveness Show me there is a better way

Source Source of light Source of good Source of the unknown Your mystery overwhelms me You are an infinite ocean of which I cannot fathom the depth Why have you enabled my self-awareness? How can this be? I do not understand Yet My spirit acknowledges your Spirit You are a gift to me and a burden You are a love and a confusion You explain nothing You are above the questions and reasons You simply are the Source

I woke up this morning in the mood to go to church. This feeling has been creeping up on me lately since I've been on sabbatical for close to two years now. For approximately 25 years of my life I spent Sundays in church, which is why I think the habit will never die. It's ingrained in my body's biological clock that upon the strike of 9am Sunday morning I should stress out, get dressed half-way decent, get anxious at the idea of seeing lots of people, hurry through said crowd of people to find a back seat and settle in while someone else does all the service work. Church service, ahh there's nothing like it. Yesterday I attended an event that hosted Nadia Bolz Weber (Lutheran minister). I'm still reeling over her profound and blunt words. She touched on so many subjects and when I put all of it together I realize that each statement that had me nodding my head was just another nail in my church coffin. I realized after this season that God has taken me through I ...