Let me be honest with myself

I think nighttime puts my brain in a state of reflection. It's the ideal time for me to break things down and process my thoughts. The problem with processing things alone at night is that I often find myself feeling very isolated. Like I truly have no one I can fully be honest with. I have a tendency to withhold parts of myself when I deal with certain people. I guess it's self-preservation. I don't want to be vulnerable so it's easy to just hide aspects of me with certain people and expose other aspects with other people. But it feels very inconsistent. Why do I find it so difficult to just BE? Lately I've been mulling over parts of myself that I have locked away for a long time. The parts of me that doubt my faith in God, parts of me that are different than societal norms, it's like I've tried to be so many different things throughout my life only to obtain a fleeting sense of belonging. It's never lasted. And so I find myself a grown adult with a f...

One life. So many opportunities to experience something new. Something unique. For the first time in my life my inner thoughts and feelings don't scare me. I've begun to pull back the curtain and the light has shone. In this light I can speak of my desires and curiosities. I was made to be afraid of myself and what I'm capable of. But the lies have fallen to the wayside one by one. Our trajectory has changed. For better or for worse we cannot go back. All that awaits is life. Life without fear of self.

When did my anger begin? Was there ever a time of contentment in this life? My soul can go back I do remember Simple things used to bring joy Popsicles Bike rides Playing tag with friends But growing pains came The love and security at home remained though it wavered It remained I didn't know then the internal turmoil of those around me The decisions that were made at the expense of others How could you The anger and confusion clouds the memories of the past What was real? I try to ground myself but the knot in my stomach interrupts my futile attempts Time I ask you please do your work Bring healing Ease my anger Teach me forgiveness Show me there is a better way

Source Source of light Source of good Source of the unknown Your mystery overwhelms me You are an infinite ocean of which I cannot fathom the depth Why have you enabled my self-awareness? How can this be? I do not understand Yet My spirit acknowledges your Spirit You are a gift to me and a burden You are a love and a confusion You explain nothing You are above the questions and reasons You simply are the Source

I woke up this morning in the mood to go to church. This feeling has been creeping up on me lately since I've been on sabbatical for close to two years now. For approximately 25 years of my life I spent Sundays in church, which is why I think the habit will never die. It's ingrained in my body's biological clock that upon the strike of 9am Sunday morning I should stress out, get dressed half-way decent, get anxious at the idea of seeing lots of people, hurry through said crowd of people to find a back seat and settle in while someone else does all the service work. Church service, ahh there's nothing like it. Yesterday I attended an event that hosted Nadia Bolz Weber (Lutheran minister). I'm still reeling over her profound and blunt words. She touched on so many subjects and when I put all of it together I realize that each statement that had me nodding my head was just another nail in my church coffin. I realized after this season that God has taken me through I ...

So I've been working the night shift for the past few weeks. I have always loved night time. It's peace and quiet often gives me time to decompress from the day. A lot of things have been going on with friends and family of mine that of course end up emotionally affecting me. Now I realize as I'm writing this that it seems  so unnecessary to take on the stress of other people's problems. But it's unavoidable. You can't truly love someone and not care about decisions that they make. But I am processing the idea that I don't need to bring myself to a place of stress over others decisions. I'm learning to respect individuals and realize they have a prerogative to make their own decisions and in turn handle the consequences. I feel the pull to instead of judge or say "I told you so" I am meant to offer a listening ear, validate others while at the same time keep the peace and also encourage peace. Life is so fucking fleeting. Relationships see...

Can I just say that being a parent pushes your buttons in ways that no other experience can? I have a pretty great husband. Though we both have our issues thankfully he doesn't have ALL the same issues I do. He is a really great dad and I am currently learning how to be a good parent by observing him (/arguing with him). It's amazing to see how someone can naturally pour out patience and create an environment of clarity. You see being impatient, reactionary, and emotional is like breathing to me. There's so many times I flip a lid and my husband looks at me like I'm a psycho and I say "Wha? What's wrong?". I'm so used to carrying myself in an unregulated manner that it doesn't enter into my mind to reconsider my actions until my life mate verbally reflects back to me his perception of said actions. At that point I realize...wow I am a bit cracked. And then I have to tell myself to just calm the eff down and pick my battles. Which is so difficult w...