Let me be honest with myself

I felt lead to read Ecclesiastes 5:1-7 today and the whole passage spoke to me but this stood out the most "Do not be hasty in word or impulsive in thought to bring up a matter in the presence of God. For God is in heaven and you are on the earth; therefore let your words be few." I find myself rambling when I pray "God I'm an idiot...please help me with this...help me with that...I'm sorry I suck at life" etc etc But I think God was telling me "shhh I already know what's going on so calm down" Why do we worry? Are we crazy enough to think that worrying will do us good and help our situation? Or do we just want to occupy our time with worrying instead of getting on our knees and painfully letting go and surrendering to Gods will? It's definitely hard to let up my death grip on a lot of things. But my efforts are futile so I must put my hope in the Lord...where else can I put it? In myself? gah no...bad idea. I keep asking God to soften my h...

I recently borrowed a book by Bob Mumford from my dad and was blown away.I couldn't believe how well Bob articulated what I had been feeling. Here's an excerpt I found interesting... "Is it possible that one of the greatest snares in coming into the real is religion? Yes, I think it is. For so long we have presented substance in the form of the concretes- brick and mortar...church buildings, duly constituted and denominationally oriented structures, rules and regulations...do this, don't do that. We run to these concrete substances, cling to them, try to build on them. Yet, reality most often eludes us. Somehow the deep cry in our spirits for reality and satisfaction cannot be met in the concrete. The concrete cannot love back; it does not respond. So we find what we thought was substance is only shadow. Where then is the real?" I ask this question to myself A LOT. What is real? Well I'm 100% sure God is real. Ok why is that important? What does God being re...

Is it possible that life and death occur outside of God's hand? I know as long as I'm breathing my questions about life and living will never cease. But to let my unanswered questions of life cripple me to the point of not loving and "living" would be a tragedy. It's this thought that keeps me going...searching...for God's loving hand and precious face. I hate that I'm not consistent. That I can't drop everything and go on a quest like buddha did. I don't believe I could abandon my responsibilities to pursue spiritual knowledge. No offense buddha. I was pondering the other day what "reality" is. Is it our consciousness? Our physical being and how it relates to the world around us? Or our spiritual man that will one day depart from this physical world into...eternity? People put so much into what they believe is reality, the physical. "You must make providing for yourself and sustaining yourself the number one priority." I'm ...

Yes it's another blog about my lack of sleep. Only this time I'm going to be realistic about the next time I get a full nights sleep. I realized today while brushing my teeth and putting on normal clothes (not pj's) that the random nights I get more than 3 hours of sleep I mustn't hold on to them thinking they will happen again soon but rather enjoy them while I have them. I google'd breastfeeding & sleep deprivation and was amazed to find millions of mom's around the world experiencing worse than my situation. Through reading these various websites I found out that babies into toddlerhood can still get up multiple times a night. So this lead me to accept my lot and stop looking into the distance for a full nights sleep, because I think if I keep dwelling on my lack of sleep I may lose my mind (I probably already have). My eye is still twitching & I am in a constant state of dizziness but if this persists I may experience hallucinations and black outs li...

So the more I think about it, the more I'm accepting being a woman. List of things that I like that are sooo girly -sewing -knitting -scrapbooking -makeup -shopping (depending on what for) -shoes -purses -kitchen ware (serving platters etc) -baking -making stuff like homemade b-day cards, DIY decorations, gift bakets and bags, & candy! ...wow. Could I be anymore feminine? lol. But it's okay this is something I'm no longer running away from but embracing. I can still be xtuffx and be girly right? Come to think of it theres one manly thing I don't think I'll ever like...BEER. blegh. Anyway, my friend is having a baby shower this weekend and I had so much fun making a baby sock rose bouquet! I would post pix but they can't see it cuz then they would know what colors we're using. I can't wait to cook and serve during the baby shower, thats one my favorite things to do! I feel like such a noob cuz I have no idea what I'm doing when it comes to being c...

"Do not be deceived, God is not mocked; for whatever a man sows, this he will also reap. For the one who sows to his own flesh shall from the flesh reap corruption, but the one who sows to the Spirit reap eternal life." Gal. 6:7-8 I pretty much feel like I get in a 6 month cycle in the my life. For about 3 months I do well...I try to read my bible, meditate on scripture, and I try to pray throughout the day. For those three months my life is great (I don't have such a crappy attitude). Then something happens and around month 4 I've successfully stopped reading my bible praying and talking about/to God. Not only does this effect my personal spiritual life but I'm not fun to be around! I tend to be more negative and irritable and generally hate the world. By month 6 I feel dry, distant, and miserable and I know it's all my fault due to my laziness. It's not that I don't have time to cultivate my spiritual life it's just that I'm not intentional w...

"We know that we have passed out of death into life, because we love the brethren. He who does not love abides in death. Everyone who hates his brother is a murderer; and you know that no murderer has eternal life abiding in him. We know love by this, that He laid down His life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren." 1 John 3:14-16 I read this scripture a couple of months ago and it really hit me hard. After being a reject and just plain awkward in junior high I decided that I didn't want friends and I didn't like people. Being anti-social was my security blanket, I didn't have to get out of my comfort zone and I definitely didn't care about what anyone else thought. This attitude carried on into adulthood and being part of "christian" subcultures that had no respect for others I felt no conviction about my bad attitude. It wasn't until I got married and had someone around 24/7 that my ugly selfish personality began to wor...