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Needs

Lately I've been mulling over in my head my priorities and responsibilities. And I've realized that the two don't always match up, which is okay as long as I don't neglect the most important things at hand. So what are my priorities? Well as of right now I'm 24 years old and would really like to get serious about school but I have a SLIGHT problem...no money for it! I don't want to go to school for the same reason most of my former high school peers went. I actually like learning...a lot! Fortunately I have a husband who faithfully provides for me and our daughter so as of right now theres not a lot of pressure for me to go "get" a career.

But I'm really trying to break this down in my head to understand why I would even consider doing a program in school that would take a lot of time away from raising my daughter. That brings me to what are my responsibilities? And right now theres only one face that I picture in my mind.
























From the day I held that little warm gooey ball that weighed 7lbs 11oz something in me changed. I'm speaking of the spiritual of course I'm not referring to all the horrific physical things that changed. This child has been a large burden that was placed on my heart and no matter what I consider doing with my little self I keep remembering the responsibility I have to her as her mother. I've looked up all the definitions for mother and can tell you that none of them come anywhere near to what being a mother is...or rather what it FEELS like. How can I describe it to you? Well maybe I can just write a poem about it.



My daughter needs me.

Initially she desperately needed me to lose sleep.

Nursing, changing diapers, and rocking were more important than my precious sleep.

My daughter needs me to calm down.

She needs me to stress about important things and ease up on everything else.

My daughter needs me to be happy.

Self pity leaves me no time to enjoy my daughter completely.

My daughter needs me
to comfort her when she falls
to guide her in this crazy world
to show her the grace of God
to give her balance in an imbalanced society

Yes I understand how much my daughter needs me.



But really and truly.





I need my daughter.










I need her to remind me that life is precious.


I need her to show me that this world doesn't revolve around me.


I need her to slowly tear down the walls I've put up.


I need her to make me vulnerable.


I need her to teach me about learning.


I need her to show me Gods unconditional love.


I need her to change me a little bit


every


single


day.




I say all this to say that this overwhelming burden on my heart known as Angel has changed the course of my life and I'm okay with that. I choose her over me. Even though it's a no brainer there are a lot of voices that would tell me I'm being unrealistic and that I can't simply stay home and raise my daughter. I can't take all the responsibility of educating her. I can't think that simply because I'm her biological mother I know whats best for her. These voices would say I'm living in a dream world and that I need to come back to american society where my daughter is seen as just another number. Well sorry voices but these are all lies. By the grace of God my daughter will be raised by me and will be better off for it. And I sure as hell will be better off for it. If these few years I've had with Angel are an indicator of what change is to come I am eagerly pursing this road with her. And any other babies/siblings that will join us. : )

Comments

  1. AnonymousOctober 19, 2011 at 6:11 PM

    Well said lady! You're not alone in the mental struggle here!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Celina GonzalesOctober 20, 2011 at 7:45 AM

    I'm glad I'm not alone! I don't really hear people struggling with this they're either one or the other no deep figuring out involved. I guess I'm fortunate to have options and not be put in a position where I HAVE to work. But it does make me wonder do we HAVE to? Can we get a smaller house or cheaper car? Maybe I'm naive in making it this simple. Staying home is scary and youre faced with your issues every day! Who willingly wants to deal with that?

    ReplyDelete

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