I feel anxious.
I know that true growth causes change but I have a hard time adjusting to change. Period. I bite Aarons head off when he changes plans or makes plans without me knowing. It's definitely a personal/controleverythingaroundme issue. God is uncomfortably uprooting this issue because I've asked Him to. Do you ever momentarily regret certain prayers? I do that a lot. I've gone through so much of my adult life feeling overwhelmed. Like the burdens assigned to me were simply too much. Like God why can't I be assigned with being too loving? Thats a burden that seems less uncomfortable/humiliating. I had enough to deal with being a teenager and being emo. Now I have to be emo as an adult too?! This probably doesn't make any sense but my last post really ties into it. I feel my flesh/ego suffering. I am realizing my weaknesses/issues and it seems too overwhelming to deal with.
Quick story.
So my dad told me to watch "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" and I did. Aaron and and I were amazed and totally wanted to go out and buy a juicer. Well I gave Aaron his x-mas gift early so he gave me mine early...a juicer! I was so excited and had a lovely orange strawberry juice this morning. Well I felt kind of funny and then started to feel sick for a good hour. I looked up reasons why juicing would do that too me and it wasn't encouraging at all. Make a long story short I need to stick with green juices and since my body has been used to crap all my life I'm gonna feel worse before I feel the positive effects of juicing. I say all that to say I feel like God wants me to know I'm going to feel worse before I feel better when it comes to my emotions/behaviour. Acknowledging bad mind sets isn't enough for me. I have to WANT to change my mind set. I have to WANT to align my heart with what God wants. He wants me love people and I want to hate them. How difficult! When I willingly gave into being anti-social as a teen I never would've thought the extraction of it would be so hard blah. Feeling constantly conflicted gets old and tiring. I would love to be hot or cold. But in order to become hot or cold I think I'm gonna have to make changes. My church life or way of "doing" church is changing. My marriage is changing. My parenting is changing. My relationships/friendships will change. My family dynamic will change. Etc. I wish I was exaggerating and that I wasn't dealing with all this change haha but it's true! I just have to remind myself of this scripture...
Philippians 4:5-9
"Rejoice in the Lord always: again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your forbearance be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. 6 In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 The things which ye both learned and received and heard and saw in me, these things do: and the God of peace shall be with you."
I know that true growth causes change but I have a hard time adjusting to change. Period. I bite Aarons head off when he changes plans or makes plans without me knowing. It's definitely a personal/controleverythingaroundme issue. God is uncomfortably uprooting this issue because I've asked Him to. Do you ever momentarily regret certain prayers? I do that a lot. I've gone through so much of my adult life feeling overwhelmed. Like the burdens assigned to me were simply too much. Like God why can't I be assigned with being too loving? Thats a burden that seems less uncomfortable/humiliating. I had enough to deal with being a teenager and being emo. Now I have to be emo as an adult too?! This probably doesn't make any sense but my last post really ties into it. I feel my flesh/ego suffering. I am realizing my weaknesses/issues and it seems too overwhelming to deal with.
Quick story.
So my dad told me to watch "Fat Sick and Nearly Dead" and I did. Aaron and and I were amazed and totally wanted to go out and buy a juicer. Well I gave Aaron his x-mas gift early so he gave me mine early...a juicer! I was so excited and had a lovely orange strawberry juice this morning. Well I felt kind of funny and then started to feel sick for a good hour. I looked up reasons why juicing would do that too me and it wasn't encouraging at all. Make a long story short I need to stick with green juices and since my body has been used to crap all my life I'm gonna feel worse before I feel the positive effects of juicing. I say all that to say I feel like God wants me to know I'm going to feel worse before I feel better when it comes to my emotions/behaviour. Acknowledging bad mind sets isn't enough for me. I have to WANT to change my mind set. I have to WANT to align my heart with what God wants. He wants me love people and I want to hate them. How difficult! When I willingly gave into being anti-social as a teen I never would've thought the extraction of it would be so hard blah. Feeling constantly conflicted gets old and tiring. I would love to be hot or cold. But in order to become hot or cold I think I'm gonna have to make changes. My church life or way of "doing" church is changing. My marriage is changing. My parenting is changing. My relationships/friendships will change. My family dynamic will change. Etc. I wish I was exaggerating and that I wasn't dealing with all this change haha but it's true! I just have to remind myself of this scripture...
Philippians 4:5-9
"Rejoice in the Lord always: again I will say, Rejoice. 5 Let your forbearance be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand. 6 In nothing be anxious; but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. 7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honorable, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. 9 The things which ye both learned and received and heard and saw in me, these things do: and the God of peace shall be with you."
Change = positive
ReplyDeletepositive = great
great = God